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Influencing when not face-to-face

Some ideas on how to apply positive influencing behaviours when not in front of the other person.

More and more of our business interactions and relationships are being managed at a distance. It is not unusual to have clients, suppliers and team mates spread across the globe. Successful influence is founded upon clear communication and communication only really occurs when the recipient has received and understood our message. This article suggests some ways in which we can positively influence people, even when we can't get face-to-face with them.

We influence others through the impact we have on them, not through our good intentions. Research has consistently shown that our impact comes as much from the non-verbal components of our communication as the words alone. One of the difficulties we have when seeking to influence someone when not face-to-face is that the non-verbal part of our message is generally dampened down.

Another essential ingredient of successful influence is flexibility of style. The most effective non face-to-face influencing media are those that give us a chance to see how the other person is reacting to what we are saying. This provides us with verbal and/or visual feedback so that we can adapt our style and behaviour appropriately.

In this article we take a look at the impact on your influence of not being face-to-face. The article makes reference to two models of influence which are described in the Core Models section of this site.

A model of positive influencing behaviours
This model describes the behaviours you can choose to employ when seeking to influence others and build or maintain a positive relationship.

A model of verbal and non-verbal communication
This model describes the key components of communication:-

the words you use

the music you employ - how you use your voice

the dance you include - how you use your body.

Influencing over the telephone

Providing you can reach the person you are seeking to influence, the benefit of a phone call is that it's at least a two-way conversation (or more if teleconferencing). On that basis you have the great advantage of being able to get an instant reaction to anything you say and can then respond and adapt accordingly.

If you find yourself faced with an answerphone or voice messaging system, your opportunity to influence is immediately reduced. It becomes more like a voice version of e-mail.

Appropriate influencing behaviours
As a two-way interaction, both parties on the call will be able to speak from their own agenda and have the chance to respond to the other's. Consequently, all the influencing behaviours from the model of positive influence are feasible.

If you are responding to someone else's call, it is particularly important to show them that you are listening. Give them your full attention - they'll be able to tell if you're continuing to type at your keyboard or holding a whispered side conversation, despite your protestations to "carry on, I'm listening"!

Verbal and non-verbal components of your message
Pay particular attention to your words and music. Unless you are using a videophone the other person won't be able to see you. They will be picking up the messages between the lines from the way you say things.

You might imagine that the other person will have no idea about your dance. However, it can show through in your music:

standing up to make an important call can give your voice more power and confidence

sitting up straight will ensure your voice is not constrained

'answering with a smile' will give your voice a more welcoming tone

beware of the impact if you smoke while on the phone - exhaling can sound like a sigh of exasperation!

It's worth remembering that you can't see the other person either so you'll also be picking up clues about what they're really saying by reading between the lines of their words. So, checking and confirming your understanding of the other person's message is particularly important since you're missing the visual clues that we often rely upon.

Benefits of using the phone to influence

You get personal contact. This is the biggest benefit. If you can't get face-to-face time with the other person, either because of distance or timing, the phone is the next best method of influencing.

You can ring when it suits you, though you may need to check that your timing suits the other person too!

You get an immediate response and can consequently adapt your approach. The two-way nature of the interaction also means that you can notice when your influence has been accepted and stop rather than over-egging it.

Disadvantages of using the phone to influence

The timing of your call may not suit the other person.

Unless you're ringing by prior arrangement, you can't be sure if the other person is going to be there.

The phone isn't really suitable for conveying complex information or ideas. You might need to post or fax something to someone and then arrange a phone call as a follow up to discuss and agree a course of action.

Influencing tips and hints
When speaking across time zones it can build greater rapport if you are conscious of and interested in the other person's time of day.

If its an important call, take time to plan what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.

Establish a 'contract' at the start of the call:-

is the other person free to speak?

is it business or social?

how long is it likely to take?

does the other person need any papers / information to refer to?

Acknowledge what the other person is saying by speaking - they can't hear a nod or shake of the head and a grunt can be ambiguous.

If it's going to be a long or complicated call, consider arranging a mutually convenient time in advance.

Conference calls
Establishing a clear contract is particularly helpful at the start of a conference call.

If there are more than three people taking part, you might agree to state your name before speaking each time so that others know who's talking.

Agree that one of you will 'chair' the call.

Influencing by videoconference

Videoconferencing has the great advantage of allowing two or more people to engage in a complete dialogue. You have the benefit of not only being able to hear each other but to see each other as well. This gives everyone the chance to get an (almost) instant reaction to whatever they say or do and respond and adapt as the conversation develops.

Appropriate influencing behaviours
As a two-way interaction, all parties will be able to speak from their own agenda and have the chance to respond to the others'. Consequently, all the influencing behaviours from the model of positive influence are feasible.

Verbal and non-verbal components to your message
All three components of communication are available, the words, the music and the dance. However, the room layout or technology in use might place some physical limitations on the amount or type of dance that is possible:

the size of the camera's field of view may mean that standing up is not an option

any time lag on movement will also affect the way that your dance is received

Remember that the other people will be able to see you and what you are doing. I found that when I first used videoconferencing I was so intent on watching the other people on the screen that I kept forgetting that they could see me equally well.

Benefits of using videoconferencing to influence

You can see and be seen, bringing all elements of communication into play. The two-way nature of the interaction also means that you are likely to realise when you've achieved your influence objective and resist overselling it.

Meetings tend to be scheduled and arranged in advance which means that people are prepared and focused on the discussion.

Time and cost consciousness means that meetings are often more brief and to the point.

It can be a good way to maintain personal contact with colleagues located elsewhere.

Disadvantages of using videoconferencing to influence

A 'studio' setting may inhibit people.

Pictures may lack clear definition and full motion sensitivity - particularly from PC-attached cameras.
Consequently this may distort the impact of dance and there may be some distraction from jerky movements.

Time lags between transmission and reception can mean that people aren't always sure if others have heard or understood. This makes it more likely that people will repeat themselves or talk over one another.

Only looking the screen rather than at the camera can have the impact on the other person that you are avoiding eye-contact and lead to misunderstanding or perceived lack of interest.

There can be limitations on sharing documents or physical objects.

Influencing tips and hints

Make sure you know how the equipment works in advance.

Establish a 'contract' at the start of the meeting:
- agenda
- timing
- meeting roles

Agree in advance what documentation might be required as backup to the discussion.

If there are others with you in the room try to pay as much attention to the participants on the screen as those closest to you.

Try not to use any sudden gestures or movements.

Keep your dance positive and attentive when not speaking.

Look at the camera occasionally rather than the screen, this will give the person at the other end an approximation of eye-contact.

You will probably be more comfortable videoconferencing with people you have previously met face-to-face.

Influencing by letter

Sending someone a letter is essentially a one-way transaction. Even if your letter is a reply to someone else you are only able to convey things from your own perspective. While letters are useful to convey information they are limited as an influencing medium because of the absence of interactivity.

However, it is certainly possible to build and maintain relationships by letter. Penpals do this, often without ever meeting face-to-face, though the most significant relationships are generally cemented by at least one real meeting.

Appropriate influencing behaviours
Generally the letter writer sets the agenda, so push styles from the model of positive influence are likely to dominate.

As a letter writer you can employ pull words, responding to points previously raised by your correspondent. For example:-

Showing you have listened - "I understand that you think that sales volumes are the most critical issue."

Exploring with questions - "What do you think we should do about the situation in the Northern Region?"

Finding and building on common ground - "It seems as if we're both agreed that the team needs to work in a more productive way. I can see us discussing this at the next Area Meeting long into the night, the table littered with ideas and suggestions and real atmosphere of optimism."

Openness - "I'm not sure I really know what to do for the best here. My thinking is that this is something we haven't faced before." (Remember of course that e-mail can be forwarded onto others!)

However, in the absence of an immediate response you can never really be sure of the impact of your statements.

Verbal and non-verbal components of your message
Only your words come through. This makes it critical that you choose words which accurately convey your message, without ambiguity. If you are seeking to influence rather than inform, precision and conciseness are at a premium.

If you know the other person well you will be able to judge the tone and style of letter that will have the impact you are looking for. If you don't know the other person you will have to take a best guess.

Benefits of using a letter to influence

A record exists of the message.

The recipient deals with the message when they choose.

Allows the receiver to repeat (re-read) the message until it is understood.

Good for complicated or long messages.

Good for formal communication.

Disadvantages of using a letter to influence

It takes some time for your message to be received, by which time the situation and what you want to happen might have changed.

A response is delayed until the other person receives the letter, reads it and gets back to you.

You aren't able to immediately check if your message has been understood.

Letters can be impersonal.

Influencing tips and hints

Be clear about the purpose of your letter.

Know what you want to say, about what and to whom.

Convey your message in as few words as possible.

Make your message as simple as possible - your reader may have many other things competing for their attention.

Keep your reader in mind - their skills in the language you are writing in, their needs, their readiness for your message.

Make it clear what action (if any) you expect from your reader.

If the message is a personal one, consider handwriting a letter rather than using word processing. This can have a warmer and more personal impact.

Memos

A memo should follow the same pattern as a letter, though it is likely to be more informal in style.

Influencing by e-mail

Sending someone an e-mail is essentially a one-way transaction like a letter, although delivery is generally speedier and a response can be more immediate.

If your e-mail is a reply to someone else's you are only able to convey things from your own perspective. While e-mails are extremely good at rapidly and conveniently conveying information, they are limited as an influencing medium because of the absence of interactivity. In fact, because of the informal and often abbreviated style of e-mails they can lead to significant and sometimes dramatic misunderstandings.

However, it is possible to build and maintain relationships by e-mail. Many people do this through the internet, generally where they share an interest or hobby, and often without ever meeting face-to-face.

A specialised form of e-mail would be participation in an online discussion group or chat room. This provides an extra element of interaction as there is the opportunity for a more immediate response - delayed only by typing and transmission speeds.

Appropriate influencing behaviours
Generally the message writer sets the agenda, so push styles from the model of positive influence are likely to dominate.

In creating your message, you can employ pull words, responding to points previously raised by your correspondent. For example:-

Showing you have listened - "I realise that you think I should stay over longer when I go to the US."

Exploring with questions - "How do you feel about joining us at the Management Committee meeting next Wednesday?"

Finding and building on common ground - "We both seem to feel that Angela would make a good project manager for this. I believe we can sit down and really get to grips with a way of releasing her from her current role and get everyone behind this project."

Openness - "I'm feeling rather confused by the decision making process at the moment. I'm not sure how best to get involved."

As with a letter, the absence of an immediate response means you can never really be sure of the impact of your statements, unless the other person chooses to tell you.

Verbal and non-verbal components of your message
Only the words come through. This makes it critical that, if you are looking to influence someone, you choose words which accurately convey your message, without ambiguity. Precision and conciseness are at a premium, although the shorthand style that many people employ in e-mails can have the impact of terseness or abruptness.

Some e-mail users employ combinations of punctuation marks to convey the emotional element of the dance. Known as "emoticons", they represent facial expressions and can be helpful (providing the recipient can decode them).

Here are some examples - you'll have to tilt your head to the left to get the full effect...

:-) smiling
:-O shouting
:-( sad
;-) winking
8-) smiling - wearing glasses

Benefits of using e-mail to influence

A record may exist of the message (although messages can be readily deleted, they can often still be retrieved).

The recipient deals with the message when they choose.

Allows the receiver to repeat (re-read) the message until it is understood.

Good for informal communication.

Can be quick and convenient.

Chat rooms allow more interactivity.

Disadvantages of using e-mail to influence

It can take some time for the message to be received - and receipt doesn't mean that it's necessarily been read.

You generally don't get an immediate response after sending.

The sender isn't able to easily check if the message has been understood.

People are often included on numerous distribution and copy lists, so they have an in-tray bulging with messages 'for information'. This can mean that people might miss the impact of your important message in the mass of general junk e-mail.

Influencing tips and hints

Make the subject line informative so that people can scan their in-box and understand whether your e-mail requires urgent attention.

State the purpose of the e-mail at the beginning - is it for Action or Information?

Make it clear what action you require, how, and by when.

Make it clear if you expect a response.

Using different fonts / colours to emphasise elements of your message can be helpful, although only if the recipient has a similar e-mail system to your own.

Useful for sending attached files, although you should check that the recipient has the appropriate software to open and use these.

Beware getting into e-mail 'conversations' where the recipient is on-line and immediately responds, then you respond, then they respond ..... it would be quicker by telephone!

Think of mixing different forms of communication. You may need to supplement e-mail with a phone call, video-conference or personal meeting for particularly critical or difficult phases in the influencing process.

You can find more general thoughts about the use of e-mail in the article, E-mail - tool or torture?

Final thoughts

You can influence others without being in a face-to-face meeting with them. Many books, films, songs, pictures are described as influential. However, if you are looking to positively influence a specific individual you should tailor your message and your medium to them.

Once you have a definite influence objective in mind, and are clear about who you need to influence to achieve this, it's worth asking yourself the following questions:

what is the message I want to convey?

how important will the non-verbal component of my message be?

do I need to see / hear the other person's reaction to what I have to say?

do I need to find out their position or ask them any questions?

how urgent is the situation?

does anyone else need to be involved?

Your responses should indicate the best medium to communicate with.

Finally, if it's important to build and maintain a long term relationship with the other person then at some stage you'll do best to meet them face-to-face. Once you have a trusting relationship based upon mutual respect, your influence is much more likely to be effective, whatever medium you use!

Alvin Toffler in his 'influential' book The Third Wave (Bantam, 1981), pointed out when forecasting the shift to home offices that "...it would be a mistake to underestimate the need for direct face-to-face contact in business, and all the subliminal and non-verbal communication that accompanies that contact."

Steve Bridge

© sheppardmoscow 2006

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